It comes as a shock when you realise that the person you thought you were isn't you. This counts as a major 'headdesk' moment. It's also a great relief to realise that I'm much more interested in maintaining and modifying existing systems than in creating new ones. This also explains my inexplicable lack of self-knowledge in key areas of my life. No wonder, when I'm ruled by fear and avoidance, crippled by conformity and the search for groups and authority figures. I think I must come to realise that security comes from within and not without, that I can be right and sure in myself without considering a thousand perspectives and defending against imagined pitfalls, that I can be liked for being myself and uncertainty in relationships is inevitable in life.

From my kneejerk reactions, I still have some way to go.... In this analysis, developing faith is something that could be really good for me.

It's been a rough month. I hope July will be a better one. I do not expect to return to the past, for things are never the same once they have changed, but I hope I can gain a new contentment in life. This is a picture post, possibly cheerier than the ones I have been making lately.

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Major screwed up shit going on here. Cannot be around parents when depressed. Actually, cannot be around anyone when depressed. I'm at Jurong, just getting over an encounter with a salesperson that had my mother hooked even though I'd be the one paying $111 for skincare products. They both agree that my skin is horrible at the moment, yes, thank you, and I should pay any amount to get it fixed. But hello, it's my money and my decision. Wtf do you mean to say to a customer, you are wasting my time by wanting to consider on buying my product? I should've scolded her. I'll just respond by not going back.

This morning I decided that I'll stop fighting the unhappiness and embrace it. I'll get my fill of self-destructiveness and maybe crawl out it a while later. I've fought this too long. I'll start by screwing up my relationship with my mother, yes....

This is an issue that has been bugging me. I guess it's good that we finally got it into the open. Maybe I should pay more attention to myself, I'm not sure, maybe she's right. I just know that it bothers me that I can't be allowed to control my own problems.

After I got my breath, I explained to my mother just how that promoter had been pushy and insulting to me. She understood it in her own way. As a compromise, we visited a dermatologist... I'm now $236 poorer.

I think I have not felt free to be fully myself in a long time. When that mask was taken off temporarily over the weekend, I didn't know how to act. I felt vulnerable. Haven't been vulnerable.... There are expectations, mine not least of all. And then I feel like a balloon waiting to explode.

i am so sleep-deprived i knocked over a teapot today at a cafe, then a glass of water later, leaving two huge pools swimming at the bottom of our table. first time in my life i've been so clumsy. oh, and later in the cafe i rammed straight into the back of someone's chair, earning a stare from the customer.

but being with friends is great. thanks everyone for the advice and the company! sorry for the messages i didn't return, will do so tomorrow. am less troubled now.